The New Doctor Who...

Perish the thought, but the Gallafreyan emperor would seem not to be wearing any clothes. Peter Capaldi's first full outing as Doctor Who was for me underwhelming. Not because of any problem with his acting or his suitability for the role, but because writer Steven Moffat seems intent on writing up the importance of secondary and tertiary characters at the expense of the main man.

 I think he ought to acknowledge that the importance of the central character is rather made clear by the title: Doctor Who. It is not the Gemma Coleman show, or the Clara Oswald show, or the lesbian lizard show. It is Doctor Who. 

The determination to demonstrate that first Amy Pond and now Clara Oswald are somehow central to the concept, pivotal points upon which the Universe is balanced,  rather than transient pretty faces, is foundering on the lack of a convincing story arc to prove the notion.

And on the lesbian lizard thing, we get it Steven, she's a lizard, she's lesbian and married to her 'housekeeper'. We get it, we get it, we get it, you can stop bashing us over the head with it. Oh, and the joke about the Sontaran Strax manservant and his inability to distinguis one human from another is wearing just a little thin. Substitute the word 'black' for 'human' and it wouldn't seem funny at all. 

It was about halfway through the overlong opening episode (my heart sank when I discovered it was to be 80 minutes long) that a notion formed in my head. The story could have been just about any generic mainstream sci-fi plot of the past 100 years, with Doctor Who parachuted into a pre-existing structure, rather than a purpose-written Doctor Who story. This is not a new heresy; I've felt it before.

Surely Steven Moffat has not been dipping into his bottom drawer since taking on the chief writing role, dusting off old scripts, deleting one name and inserting 'The Doctor' instead? Surely not? But that's what it felt like to me.

That would help explain why the Doctor seemed almost peripheral to the action (what little  action there was in between the right-on look how liberal we are here at Doctor Who HQ in Cardiff lesbian lizard stuff and Sontaran slapstick). 

To the programme's credit, Peter Capaldi is playing the part with a Scottish accent, which David Tennant didn't because it was thought it would have put people off. And there was a nice gag about chips when they emerged from the Tardis in Glasgow. A gag so good they immediately used it twice.

And there was an intriguing scene when the apparently dead android regained consciousness in a setting that looked not unlike the central piazza in Portmeirion, saying 'Where am I?' (a combination that will resonate with all fans of The Prisoner). But will we be going anywhere with it? Or is it a red herring? I suspect the latter. 

My verdict? I could never pan Doctor Who the way AA Gill does in this morning's Culture magazine accompanying The Sunday Times. I'll stretch to giving it one star out of five.

I've loved Doctor Who for over 50 years now. I can remember exactly where I was sitting when the first episode was transmitted on November 23 1963. I even stuck with it through the Jon Pertwee nadir years, and some of the Sylvester McCoy era, but I'm not sure where I'll be sitting on August 30 2014 around 7.30pm when the next episode is broadcast.

I'll record it, but will I watch it? I don't know...I just don't know...